The girl in the low cut frock, great tits, party girl, doing drugs in the toilets to get by.
“Look at me Look at me!” she cries, hoping that no one will notice how empty she is on the inside.
Desperately lonely; desperate for approval, validation.
Just maybe if I am lucky enough and someone gets close enough, they won’t hate what they see.
They can take the blackness away.
Thank you cancer, for I can no longer be that girl.
My body has gotten tired of my mind and taken over the game.
No longer do I have the exterior to get noticed.
No longer can I enter a room confident of attention.
No longer can I wait for someone else to rescue me.
Maybe now that the fakeness is on the outside, I will have the courage to confront and accept the real me, without fear or loathing.
But what will I do if there is nothing of any substance or value?
Maybe it’s all fake?
I am an illusion through and through.
A mindless vassal, made up only of the reflection of others.
Nowhere to hide in therapy…
Dare I let my emotions take over from my intellect?
Relinquish my control on the game?
The stakes are high can she do it?
Be vulnerable; put herself out there, for even more rejection.
Finding my strength, in acknowledging my vulnerability.
Somehow, I will find the courage not to care about the rejection, my soul no longer diminished by each encounter.
Chip
Chip
Chip
Afraid of failure,even more afraid of success.
‘Cause god knows what I would do if somebody actually did love me.
That would be a challenge to accept.
Much more comfortable to yearn for the unobtainable, keeping myself distant from those around me.
Protecting myself the only way I know how.
Showing only the strong, cool, confident, me.
Can’t let anyone smell my fear.
But again my body has rebelled, fighting against my mind, allowing the tears to flow, when I least expect it
Insight is easy, but change is hard, so much harder.
I have hope and sometimes on a good day, when I am not too busy beating myself up,
I can believe that salvation lies in the struggle, not the destination.
What matters is not forging ahead on the path in front of everyone else, but….
taking the time to hold the hands of those who walk beside me, those that are just like me, but not like me. Moment by moment embracing life.
Enrichment lesson No 13: If we look hard enough, we can find others travelling the same path.
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