I FINALLY have a date this evening with my current man. I am so excited. Sometimes our schedules require the coordination of a shuttle launch. The past two weeks have been particularly troublesome. In the end, even the best plans can be thwarted by real life, family and work obligations.
I am not sure how many of my readers are familiar with what NYC is like on St. Patrick’s day. I am trying to figure out where to go out to dinner where I will experience the LEAST amount of beer soaked, sweaty tourists. Most likely, I’ll be downtown this evening, but I am still open to suggestions.
In preparation for my date, I thought I would share what I include in my “bag o’ tricks” (aka – my oversized designer handbag). Because you’re cheating, any date preparation needs to be very discreet. The best thing to do is to start a pattern of behaviour that is consistent and doesn’t raise eyebrows at home. Ladies – grooming is a must. An impromptu denuding of your girl parts will definitely raise a red flag. So start booking monthly waxing appointments. If on a regular schedule, your husband will be less likely to question your motives.
Next item of business – bag o’ tricks contents. This is a list of what I keep in my bag in preparation for an evening of fun:
- Condoms (organized in packs of 2, hidden in sealed small 2 1/2″ x 3 1/2′ manilla envelopes) – for a long evening you can bring 2 – 3 envelopes worth depending on what you have planned
- Baby wipes (stored in small zipper snack bag) - These are good for lots of clean up jobs
- Make up remover wipes (stored in small zipper snack bag) – Mascara has a tendency to run during passionate sex. I could use the baby wipes but I prefer to use these
- Makeup – see above
- Hair brush and ponytail holder – Never leave a trick without re-coiffing. A “f’ knot” on the back of your head is a tell-tale sign someone’s been pounding you all afternoon. The ponytail holder is also good to keep your hair back during sex or blow job, but in my experience, men prefer hair down (better for pulling)
- Perfume – If you can’t shower, then you definitely need to cover up your post-coital smell. I have gone a step further and switched my scent to my current trick’s cologne. This is a genius move – unless your love interest wears Old Spice
- WATER – It’s so important to stay hydrated. How can a girl give a good blow job with a dry mouth? Bring as much as you and your partner might need. No one wants to pay for (or have show up on a credit card statement) a $15 charge for bottled water from the mini-bar
Here are optional items if your particular situation requires it:
- Sea sponge – For the old school men who refuse to f’ a girl when she’s on her period. It’s a hooker trick, but it works
- iPod – lots of hotels have docking stations and it’s nice to get into a nice rhythm listening to your tunes. One of my personal favs is Salva Mea by Faithless but to each his own. You can get down to just about anything.
- Small vibrator – Sometimes you need a little extra help with that last orgasm. I highly recommend the We-Vibe. It’s a tiny vibrator that is silent, rechargeable and comes in a legitimate looking glasses case. You can carry and use it anywhere.
- Lube – some girls need it and others do not. If you’re even considering any back-door action, this is necessary. Don’t cheap out and get the good stuff!
- S&M gear – this is for the serious players…. this can include: bondage equipment, flail, nipple clamps, strap-on…. I could list a million other things, but you get the drift. Most will NOT fit in your purse (except for the nipple clamps).
Now for the men, you’re not off the hook. Make sure you tidy up your nether regions, but not so much that your wife notices. You also need to bring:
- Enough cash to cover the room, food, incidentals, etc.
- Condoms – don’t count on your lady friend to think of everything all the time.
- Viagra – Now, even the most virile men need help sometimes. Cheating can be a little stressful and you could suffer from some performance anxiety. Don’t disappoint your date and waste the room (since you’re paying for it)…. No one needs to know.
For reference, the next posting’s topic will be “Types of Cheaters – Which one are you?” That’s about it for now as I need to prepare for my date….
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