Friday, March 5, 2010

I love you....

 

Everyday that passes it seems like my mind is more and more at ease. Even though it always seems like I have a huge monkey on my back and I will have it on my back for a long time, maybe even for life. It is always good to hear my wife say she loves me. I never new how that would feel, to me early on in our marriage it was annoying, and it felt like just another I love you rant. Now it feels special, it feels deep, those simple words mean so much to me. I have a new born son, oh my, he is my life, this boy means so much to me. I think of the stupid incident of wanting to hurt myself over and over, then I think about this innocent boy who would not have a father right now, if I would have left this world. I beat myself down over and over, I look at the scar on my arm almost daily, every time I look at it I shake my head, like I tell myself over and over I am so stupid. I think about the time when I was in the hospital basically locked up, hearing people scream at night being put in a straight jacket, I remember when they took someone out in a straight jacket, I thought I would never been in a place like this. What was I thinking, I remember that day like yesterday, I was so scared, I was so ashamed, I was so hurt, I was so sick of my life, I was so much into just wanting to die. I hated my life. I hated that I had no control, God only new my self. He only new how much I could not stand my life. I wanted to be a great husband, not this animal that just ruined my wife, my life, my son, my family, my job, her family, her friends, my friends, it was all crashing down.

Again I think of what my wife said to me, I LOVE YOU, she has no idea what that means to me. Often I think I am worthless, but those words mean so much to me, I know my struggle is often more worth it then what anybody else could image, yet it is still hard to escape what I have done. My new life as I put it is so much better, no more lies, no more hiding, it feels complete. I feel like everyday I am accomplishing something new. I love my wife, she is the best person any man could dream of, she did not give up on me and I know she LOVES ME!

 

[Via http://victory4life.wordpress.com]

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