I made a pledge when I started this blog….
1. to be completely honest
2. to record memories that pop into my head at random moments so that I dont lose them
I was about to give up on this night and go to bed for lack of anything else to do…when something popped into my head…a wish, a thought that I had growing up…I can’t believe that I ever felt/wished this and further that I’m going to admit it…but here goes!
you know how some people growing up, wish for glasses, crutches, or braces and you just wonder why that person would want something so awful?
I always wished, growing up that I had a guy best friend….
that best friend that most boys seemed to have…that best friend that is so fucking close he is like your brother…this best friend and I were never supposed to be romantic…it was truly just a platonic best friend…he was of course fucking beautiful, popular, all the girls and guys wanted to be near him..he smelled great he was amazing at everything he touched…he was both athletic and sensitive, competitive and yet poetic, he believed in something and made it cool to everyone…I wanted this best friend to be so comfortable in his sexuality that we could lean on each other and hug…cuddle and say i love you…this best friend and I had inside jokes, memories and stories of our childhood hijinx that could fill up a series of teen novels…
this best friend and I had pics of us thru our childhood on our bedroom walls…at camp, in school, in the pool, on xmas, at birthday parties, sleep overs and camp out’s in the backyard, that typical best friend photo with your arms around each other heads pressed together with big smiles looking into the camera and you just knew we were best friends….
I wanted to be jealous and envious of my best friend for all the amazing things I saw in him, and I wanted him to be jealous of me for some aspect of my life/talent/looks where he felt inferior in comparrison….this best friend and I maybe experimented as kids sexually but never spoke of it after…not because we were ashamed or felt dirty about it..but because it was so normal to us that there was no need to talk about it and if it did ever come up…we would have no problem laughing about it and talking about it as we would the time we camped in the backyard and got sprayed by the skunk…
people would roll their eyes at our antics…we would know each other better than we knew ourselves….he would call me out when I was being a douche bag and I would do the same for him…we could talk to each other about anything…we would play video games for hours…watch movies and tv….we would be together and hang out every second we could…our families were so intertwined that it was one family…we treated the other’s home as our own…our parents shopped for both of us at the grocery store…and we were always expected on the other families vacations…we could feel each others thoughts without speaking and knew what the other needed at that moment…we were going to be best friends forever
we would be each others best man at our weddings we would go to college together and be dorm mates…we would jack off together, watch porn together, share cloths, food and cologne cuz we were so intertwined his things were just as much mine as they were his and we both had the same things so who knew what belonged to who…after college we would get an apartment together until we fell in love with someone and moved out…which of course would perfectly match each other in timing so neither of us was left behind…
I never had this…I have always had best friends for short periods of time but would move on, grow apart, fight or whatever…and most of the time these were girls (such is the plight of the gay boy and usually they were chubby bitchy girls)
and even tho my best friend Brandon and I (who have been best friends now for a good 7 years or so, and match this description pretty damn closely) even tho we have pretty much all the things on that list…its diff…we didn’t grow up together…we were never sharing lunches on the playground…we dont have a childhood of pictures…and clearly it will never happen as the past is over and this fantasy includes this best friend growing up with me
now you may be wondering what is so bad about this confession?!
Well I have not made the confession yet…I think anyone who never had this kind of friendship has wanted it…
but my confession is that I always wanted this friendship and I wanted it to end dramatically somehow….either he moved away, or family went into witness protection, or he died…I had read a story in Jr high on www.nifty.org and this kid had this kind of friendship exactly…and the best friend was killed by an abusive step dad’s beating…and I remember being so jealous of this kid in the story…that he got to have that and then lose it and be sad and miss and long for his best friend….I remember feeling such an intense jealousy for his “special situation” in this story (his best friend then came back to him as a ghost to help him solve the death by finding proof to get his step dad sent to prison…and then…ok the story got a bit weird but you get the idea)
after that I found myself always loving these kinds of stories and I found so many of them, movies and books, internet stories and poetry, songs and tv shows….I was always drawn to this set of circumstances
now clearly going thru life loosing people I care about a few times thru my days and feeling that pain…I fully realize what a fucked up thing this is to wish you had…..I would never ever wish for this now….this was my “wanting glasses or crutches”
so there ya have it a fucked up piece of my childhood brain….I would love a therapist to psycho-analize that twisted little wish…
anyone wanna take a stab at what it means when a 6th/7th grader wishes for a best friend to die so he can be special in his sadness?
I guess it’s good that I never had that wish come true..cuz well..he’d be dead…and that wouldn’t be very cool at all…and like I said…Brandon and I have quite a kick ass friendship that covers pretty much most of this list…he is my wing man, my confidant, my brother I love him and hate him, it is completly platonic and I wouldn’t have it any other way….ONWARD HO!!!!!
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