As a normal red-blooded heterosexual male in my thirties I have quite a few Disney films in my DVD collection. Like everyone else I was raised reciting the dogma that “They lived happily ever after.” Anyone who questioned this was going straight to hell with the “who-mo-sexuals” and liberals who don’t like shooting things. But of late I have started to question this way of life. Through following the teachings of such learned persons as “Common Squirrel” on Twitter and watching “Donkey on Dragon” porn I have come to the conclusion that this may in fact be a complete fairy tale.
Did Snow White and Prince Ferdinand have a life long romance? Or after a few years did things die down and did “Happily” fade to mere “Contentedly”? You know how it happens. They just stopped communicating and taking time for each others feelings and needs. He got more involved in the running of the Kingdom and she poured her energies into her own business. She of course owned half of the mining company with the dwarfs. Don’t ask what she did to get them to sign those contracts. Her added capital gained from the settlement with the Wicked Queens estate after the murder attempts allowed them to expand and go global. Now they have mining interests in China and Australia and South Africa. There’s even talk that they are going to buy Disney.
Snow and Ferdinand would meet up at the dinner table, when their busy schedules allowed, and talk about the kids and the new friends they had made on Facebook. But this was companionship built on familiarity and shared interests. Not the earthshaking, dove releasing, “love you so much I think I’m going to puke”, perfect love that you find in a Twilight novel. He’d ask her if they should move the kids to a private school because he didn’t like them hanging around with those Shrek kids. She would enquire if he could remove the heads of the anti-royalists from the pikes out in front of the castle because the feeding crows were shitting all over the place. But this wasn’t a loving marriage. In the words of the most famous Fairy Godfather “This is business not personal.”
The only time they felt any real closeness or connection was when they were having some nasty, kinky, depraved, monkey sex with a like-minded stable lad or chamber maid. Snow was very much into group sex. After all she had done all seven dwarfs (Watch the infamous sex tape). Ferdinand mostly liked to watch and got his jollies videoing and uploading it to the internet. Strangely he refused to let her have sex with black men. But there were rumours that when he wore panties and a dress things were completely different. Of course because he’s a man he could get away with things like that. Snow on the other hand was vilified by the press and labelled a “bawdy wench.”
So that’s what happens when you get past “Happily ever after.” Those three words don’t allow any chance for sequels or trilogies, and to be honest if that’s how things turn out I’m not sure I want to see. As for Snow and Ferdinand, so she’s not as “snow white” as she used to be, who is, who cares. But at least she doesn’t go around kissing supposedly dead girls in glass coffins. Now if the press got hold of that story.
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