Tiger: Hello?
ME: Tiger! It’s Chris…how ya been?
*moaning in background*
Tiger: Uhh…good. I’m good. You?
ME: It’s fuckin cold. I hate that shit.
Tiger: Yeah…
*squealing noise*
Tiger: …yeah, I hate the cold, too.
ME: What’s wrong with your cat?
Tiger: I don’t have a cat.
ME: What the hell was that noise then?
Tiger: I’m watching TV.
ME: …the fuck you watching, dude?
[background]
“…but Mrs. Starr, what if your husband comes home?”
ME: Mrs. Starr? Who’s Mrs…HOLY FUCKIN SHIT, DUDE!!! You’re watching ‘MILF Hunter,’ aren’t t ya?
Tiger: I’m just undergoing some treatment.
ME: Treatment? By watching some dorky ginger kid bang a bunch of soccer moms? Who’s your doctor…Peter North?
Tiger: Well, yes, actually. That is his name. But he’s a totally different dude.
ME: So…basically you’re taking two jerks and calling him in the morning?
Tiger: Something like that. He checked me in to a facility in Mississippi.
ME: What sort of facility?
Tiger: For people addicted to sex.
ME: I didn’t realize you were addicted to sex.
Tiger: Me, either…
ME: …and you pay him for this?
Tiger: Well, yeah…it was Elin’s idea. Actually, it was more of an ultimatum.
ME: Fuck that shit! I told you to stay away from them Scandinavian chicks. They’re the phoniest.
Tiger: …yeah, I know, I know…
ME: You remember that day, right? Don’t tell me you don’t!
Tiger: No, I remember…
ME: Alright then. But just to reminisce about that glorious day I shall repeat it here for my own enjoyment and not invent the shit for some dumbass blog.
Tiger: …huh?
ME: Nevermind…anyway, it was the ‘84 Masters, we were 6-years-old, and you were all like, “Im gonna marry a Scandinavian bitch! I’m gonna marry a Nordic bitch!”
ME: And I was all like, “Yo, fuck that shit, homie! They be some phony-ass bitches!”
ME: And you were like, “Phony how?”
ME: And I was like, “Man, they all be like ‘Yay!! Free drugs and free sex!!’ one day. And the next day act like you gave them AIDS.”
ME: And you go, “I don’t care! They’re lovely people and I’m gonna marry one and we’re gonna have lots of babies.”
ME: So I took your Hot Wheels and threw them in the pond at Amen Corner. Little good it fuckin did…
Tiger: Uhh…Chris?
ME: …and you see, Tiger, that’s what pisses me off here…
Tiger: Chris?
ME: Here I am at Walmart, talking about some shithole named R-Pattz…
Tiger: Chris!?!?
ME: …what, dude?
Tiger: Mrs. Starr…remember?
ME: Oh, shit…my bad. Alright, call me back when you’re done.
Tiger: Later.
ME: And wash your hands first! I don’t need some freaky Scandinavian shit coming through my phone.
No comments:
Post a Comment