Dearest Vadge,
Hello-hullo! How are you? How are things down there? I suppose I ought to know, since I see you every day of my life. You’re probably my most-treasured, dearest friend, though admittedly, I’ve neglected to pay much attention to you for “a while”! I reckon that like most good friendships, we may simply pick-up where we left-off! Agree?
Before I go any further — I hope you don’t mind me calling you Vadge. I could call you by your given name, Vagina, but that’s so … so … so formal, don’tcha think? After-all we’ve been together since about June or July, 1974, when my mother was in her second trimester of pregnancy, and I was but a slight bump protruding from below her navel! Would you prefer something a bit more fun & unique? Perhaps a nickname such as “Vadgesaurus” (perfect, since we’re both getting old!)? Maybe “Vadgetasma” (we could pretend that you’re a superhero — minus the cape, of course!)! Do you have a middle name, or perhaps a confirmation name too? Mine is Ann, and …
Sorry, I’m got a little distracted there for a moment. You do know what a chatter box I can be, and how much I love to talk!
Re: chatter box. Wouldn’t it be cool if I outfitted you with a set of chattering teeth next Halloween? Just think of the thrill & frights we could give everyone! You’d be like a really, really smiley guy … with a mustache!
But I digress …
The whole point of this letter is to let you know that I haven’t forgotten you, dearest. I know you’re there. Your friendly neighbours, the Ovary Twins, remind me for about a week every month, driving me mental, with my estrogen peaking. They’re a bad, bad influence on both of us, Vadge, provoking me to possibly take you out & party, picking-up anything which smells of testosterone — regardless of the calibre of man excreting that testosterone & pheromones! Do not be lead astray by the Ovary Twins, because they’re merely plotting to surprise us with an addition to their family, whom shall travel down the Fallopian Tube Highway, parking itself in the cozy accommodations above you, for nine months: an embryo-fetus, taking-up residence in my uterus. I’m not ready nor wanting of that right now, so please: be a friend, and behave yourself!
I’m staying away from our other bad influences too, as I know that Jack, Jim, and José like to play tricks on you & I! They’re bad, bad, bad men, Vadge!
Have I told you how proud I am of you, for staying-away from visitors such as Dick Player, Peter Pecker, and their various plunging, erupting cronies? (admit it: you can’t remember all of their names either!) We usually had fun entertaining those lads, but the aftermath of the parties left some empty, hurtful feelings in their wake! We certainly did know how to throw some impressive, memorable parties though, hey? On a couple of occasions, word got out about our private parties, uttered by a couple of unworthy guests (one of whom didn’t have much of party wand, but an ego & mouth the size of the galaxy), but as you & have decided, our partying daze days are over, in the future, there shall be only an exclusive invitation extended to someone who meets my other needs, first.
Like vampires, visitors may only enter if I invite them in! I intend & deserve to be extremely picky. Picky, picky, picky! I’m going to be very protective of you, my friend, as well as another dear, sweet friend of mine, Mon Couer. (she’s asked me to say “hello!” to you, by the way.)
Despite purposely placing you out of commission for a while, I hope you didn’t mind when I dusted you off, and made sure that you were still alive. (good god, lady, you had a lot of cobwebs!) You didn’t let me down, but the guest was such a let-down! So not worth our time or energy! We seem to do fine on our own, sister.
“Go, girl power, go!”
But seriously — I’m terribly sorry to have made such a bad decision in that instance. Blame it on both of our aforementioned bad influences. Damn them both to Hell!
In closing, I wish to let you know that I think our “time out” has been really, really good for both of us. Despite having been in really bad, sad way for too long, as I’ve removed a few negative influences from my life (our triple-J buddies, Facebook, and some others), and have started to include positive influences, things have become better & brighter. They’re far from perfect, but MUCH better than they were in November & December! (oy, vey!)
I’ll be sure to touch-base with you again, and give you a buzz (pun intended) as things continue to improve. Perhaps 2010 shall bring us a bit of luck, the Right One shall show-up on the scene, and after getting to know him for a while, we may … entertain him, and show him how to really party! (Damn, we are good, aren’t we? **high-five!**)
Whoever He may be, hopefully He & his buddy are compatible, suitable, and worth our wait. Until then, we shall behave. We can. We shall. We will. We must.
Anyhoo … I can see that you’re happy & healthy, so no need to wish you these things. You are in my thoughts, and words cannot express how grateful I am to have such an empathetic, understanding — albeit somewhat dusty — friend.
With much love from your life long friend & host,
Darth Kater
P.S. Wouldn’t it be AWESOME if our future guest were to look like Him? (stop drooling. you’re embarrassing yourself, and making a mess of my underpants!)
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