Wow, I haven’t done this much work since those twins in Oklahoma City back in ‘98. I’ve recently received this letter and because of the young nature of this young man, I’ve decided it needed my immediate attention.
Dear Doctor V,
When I see the upturned white tail of a doe, surrounded by that light brown speckled fur, I think, man, I want some of that. The white part is so pure-seeming, the speckles like a visual poetry designed to overthrow all reason into a swarm of unabashed deer-fucking. Is this normal?
Billy
Age 8
Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy. For a young boy who’s vocabulary is so advanced, I’m disappointed to see you haven’t matured enough to know how to solve this issue yourself. If your father has answered your problem before I’ve been able to respond, I apologize for the archaic nature of our mail delivery system. The answer to this problem has been passed down from fathers around the world. Their advice would say that your problem is normal and it’s only a part of growing up. While so called “deer-fucking” is normal, the process of doing the deed is where senior advice and oversight is often needed. When approaching the deer from behind, you have to be aware of the danger of them kicking and seriously injuring you. Every man has their own technique for accomplishing this task but in the end you’ll develop your own style for this. The first thing you need to do is buy yourself a tranquilizer gun, though you may need your fathers help for this as most retailers are reluctant to sell one to anyone under 16 years old. Next time you see your white-tailed friend, shoot it with the tranquilizer to subdue the animal. This will allow you to approach the deer from any angle, thus allowing you to fulfill any one of your multiple fantasies. The spooning position is a favourite of mine.
Get out there and put the Bam in Bambi.
No comments:
Post a Comment