What do you do as a couple when the conversations dry up? Beecher and I do not have a lot in common. We deeply love one another other but find little we enjoy discussing together. We have created common hobbies (such as this blog) but outside of those conversations is a zero-sum game. Beecher’s likes are entirely different than my own. While each of us can hold tepid interests in each other’s topics, we are struggling to find common ground. We deeply desire to renew the once plentiful and intriguing conversations of our prior years when we first started dating.
In the first months of our relationship I couldn’t talk to Beecher enough. Hours were spent on the telephone exploring every inch of each other’s pasts (except her childhood sexual abuse which she only recently disclosed to me the details of), thoughts, and feelings. Fast forward to today where we have hit a brick wall. It feels as if there is no more to explore. I know what I think to be every square inch of Beecher’s past and the same goes for her. I know her thoughts and feelings on almost every issue at stake in our lives.
Because of this we are bored. Beecher knows my routine of popular talking pieces- politics, sex, what I want to do to improve our relationship, what gadget I want to buy next, and complaints about others, (especially drivers). I am likewise familiar with her repertoire- crafting, how much more she wants to attachment parent, what she found thrifting or made from her thrifted items, the next way we should “green” our lives, ways for us to save money, and things to start doing with Taylor. Each of these topics when discussed leaves one of us is barely listening to the other.
Beecher frequently chides me for not listening to her. When specific details of how she wants to parent Taylor don’t come to fruition she snaps (yes, she has a temper with me at times) that I didn’t listen to her clear desire to try it differently. In hindsight, these situations rather it be with parenting or something she wanted to try differently with saving money, stem from the fact I tuned her out as she rambled on about her same old topics.
Beecher contends my conversations bare no real significance. We all know you want to get laid more, and well, the politics of federal stimulus spending really don’t have any implications in our relationship. My head is in the clouds, intellectually pondering American society while Beecher is in the details of stay at home motherhood, and her crafts.
The realization has come that neither of us cares with the intensity the other cares about their particular pet project or issue. While I respect and encourage Beecher to raise our daughter as she sees fit- I would trade co-sleeping for having an entire bed to romp like the old days anytime. I am sure Beecher looks forward to the day when I retire petty pursuits of a “greater lifestyle” for organic living seated on modest means. Beecher still has that nursing mother libido problem and would prefer cuddling with Taylor while I want to work hard to have a successful career so that I can take advantage of such work with my family.
We may never see eye to eye on what we find important enough to discuss frequently with each other. We came close in the summer when we spent two months in Europe exploring places neither of us had ever seen before. However, since our return, the passionate conversations of our youth have again dissipated but the need for new environments to foster that healthy back and forth on things we both mutually care about is hugely important. With blogging we have made strides. We also read books together and enjoy cooking or taking walks, but I want there to be other areas too. Beecher has come to the conclusion that the olden days of me passionately walking into thrift stores with her reveling in the pursuit of vintage books are over. I have come to the conclusion that the days of passionately walking through the front door and having an impromptu romp are over. But these facts don’t mean that the days of passionately embarking on new frontiers is by far a long way from being over.
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